Feeling Judged as a Mother

The Weight of Judgment: Navigating the Challenges of Motherhood

Motherhood is a journey filled with love, joy, and unforgettable moments. However, it’s also a path fraught with challenges, and one of the most significant obstacles many mothers face is the weight of judgment. The feeling of being scrutinized and criticized can be emotionally taxing, affecting both a mother’s self-esteem and her approach to parenting. I want to explore the various dimensions of judgment that mothers encounter and offer some insights on how to cope with this often-inescapable aspect of motherhood.

With both my pregnancies I was working as a hairstylist and almost every conversation would shift to the decisions I was making in my pregnancy. Was I seeing a OBGYN or a mid-wife? Will I have a natural or medical assisted birth? I remember with my son I was even questioned if I was planning to have hime circumcised! My personal experience is the questioning and judgement of the choices you make as a mother began before my children were even born. With my second pregnancy occurring in 2021 I was judged and questioned on if I planned to be vaccinated for COVID. While I know all of the questioning was made in genuine concern, I still specifically recall conversations where the judgment was underlying.

The judging doesn’t stop there. I made the personal choice to breastfeed but I was fully opened to the possibility that it might not work for me or my baby. When my son was born he struggled with low blood sugar and we had to supplement with formula for the first 24 hours. I immediately felt panic and an underlying sense of shame that I was not going to be able to nurse my own baby. I look back at myself, feeling so frustrated that I would even hesitate to give my baby formula.

Those early parenting choices are so difficult to make and come with such strong opinions for both sides. It can often make new parents feel like they are doing something wrong or being judged by simply figuring out their babies’ individual needs. Another hot topic is co-sleep vs. sleep training. For my first baby he slept in our room in his bassinet for 6 months. This was the choice that worked best for us. I remember the first night of him sleeping in the crib in his room I felt miserable. I loved having him right next to me. Being able to lift my head and take a quick peek to see the rise and fall of his chest and then be able to roll over and go back to sleep. Once he was in the other room I would stare at his monitor, convinced he wasn’t breathing. I would have to get out of bed, walk across the house and place my hand on his chest to check his breathing. Clearly I did not get much quality sleep this way but I felt that I had to send him out of my room because of other peoples comments or opinions.

During my second pregnancy we made the decision that it would be best for my family for me to stay at home. That meant leaving my career after 13 years. The majority of my clients had had a long standing relationship with me. Most were genuinely happy for me and congratulated me on my new journey. Others were not so happy for me and had very hurtful and snarky comments about my choice to stay at home. I remember the comments of one person specifically, who was a mom of two and the main provider for her household. I had been serving her and her family for well over 5 years and over that period of time she had felt a genuine connection to me. So when I said that I was stepping away to stay at home she took it very personally. Her first comments were as follows:
“Can you even afford to do that? I mean why would you want to? You’re going to hate it. You only have one child right now so you don’t really know how difficult it can be. Just remember to keep my number and let me know when you decide to go back to work and I’ll come back to you.” I had more than one conversation that went similar to this, but the reason why this particular person sticks out so vividly is because it has now been over 2 years since I made the decision to stay at home, and about every 2-3 months she sends me a message asking if I’ve changed my mind and gone back to work. All of that is to say this, a mother will feel judgement if she returns to work after having a baby and will be judged if she gives up a successful career to stay at home.

Quite possibly one of the hardest judgments all mothers struggle to overcome is self-criticism. I know for myself that this is the hardest and most frequent struggles I face on a daily basis. Let’s face it, no matter how hard you prepare for motherhood, no matter how much help and support you have, motherhood changes you. You are never the person you were before becoming a mother physically, mentally or emotionally. And while many of those changes are beautiful, fulfilling, and enjoyable others are hard to grapple with.

Maybe you are like me and had an image or expectation of how you would be as a mother or what you should be as a mother. The dialogue in my head many days will tell me all the ways I am not doing enough, how I should have handled teachable opportunities with my child differently, how my home isn’t clean enough, how my jeans are too tight, that I need to have more self-control, that I need to work out more and that I no longer look like the girl next door. The list and judgments go on and on and on.

Most all of this is because I have become trapped in comparing myself to others, making assumptions, and not truly knowing what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes. Comparison culture is such a slippery slope for so many, as I know that it is a huge personal struggle for me.

Finally I want to take a moment to consider a deeply touchy subject. Mothers will be judged for how they choose to discipline and manage their children’s behaviors. There are so many different techniques and parenting styles that vastly spread across the spectrum. Did you co-sleep or sleep train? The method of potty training you choose to use. How do you correct and train undesirable behaviors.

Nothing will cripple me faster than making me feel like I am not making the best or right choices as a mother. While so many people will casually mention things from a “let me share my wisdom of what I know” place with good intentions. They mean well, yet I will take their unsolicited advice as “you’re doing it wrong. Let me tell you what you need to do.”


So how do we cope with all the judgement we often face in motherhood? First, show yourself some compassion. Remember you are your own harshest critic. Be kind to yourself and trust your instincts when it comes to being a mother. Seek out support from friends, family members, or fellow parents who truly understand the challenges in motherhood. Have confidence in your choices knowing they are based off of your family’s unique circumstances and values. Not everyone will understand and agree and that’s okay! Set boundaries with individuals who consistently pass judgment or make hurtful comments. It’s perfectly acceptable to distance yourself from negativity. If you encounter judgment stemming from misconceptions or misinformation, consider, within reason, educating others about your choices and the reasons behind them. Finally, remember that other mothers may be facing their own struggles and insecurities. Instead of judgment, offer empathy and support.

Motherhood is a journey that should be celebrated and supported, not judged and criticized. No one has all the answers, and every mother is doing her best with the resources and knowledge she has. By fostering a culture of understanding, empathy, and respect for the diverse experiences of motherhood, we can create a more supportive and compassionate world for mothers everywhere. You are an amazing mother, and your unique journey is worth celebrating.